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Is it jealousy? Is it envy? Is it both? … Yes.

Right, so this is a bit of a more depressive post but I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I know I have this for years and years but it’s gotten more lately? I don’t know. I mean I know possibly every human being has to face jealousy or envy ocasionally in their lives. Being it money or relationships or jobs or talents or anything really but then there’s the ones that are jealous a lot and I guess I count to one of them. I’m not extremely horribly jealous where I can’t trust people anymore or anything like that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not like that but I catch myself a lot of time being jealous over what people have and I wanna have but don’t have? If that makes sense. And I’m not talking about famous people because really, it’s no use comparing yourself to them but it’s simple things like what people around me have? Like if someone earns more money, or is more talented in creative stuff… just little things really. And on top of all I can’t be 100% happy for them? Like I try to be very happy for people and what they have because I know they worked hard but at the same time I can’t because I want that sort of thing too. I do that horrible thing and compare myself to other people a lot and that ruins my happiness and sets stones into my journey to reach my dream. Whether or not I will ever reach that dream but I lose focus a lot of time. Like, I have that problem that I want too much. I only talk about the art side. I’m not sure if it’s because I put too much pressure on myself to learn everything at once. One of the things you need to know about me is that I’m easily bored of the same old same old. I need change and varyity in life and I need adventures and new things… just different things. I can’t live my life waking up every morning, going to the same job every day and carry on like that all my life. I get bored. I get frustrated. I’m the same when it comes to art. I don’t know how many of you know but I am into art and I try to be creative in different ways. I wanna learn everything that has to do with art and creativity. I wanna learn every single technique there is in painting and drawing and illustration. I wanna learn all the tools and varyities art can bring. Whether it is painting with oil, acrylics or watercolours or illustrating with pencil and markers or digitally or if it’s 3D crafting or just crafting in general, graffiti, airbrushing, sculpting…there’s so many different things there are in art and I wanna do all of it because it brings varyity to my life and I couldn’t do just one technique for the rest of my life. Problem is, I can’t do any of those techniques very well and I wanna learn them all but it puts too much pressure to me because on top of all I’m very very impatient to learn. I wanna just snap my fingers and be able to do everything and there’s where the problem lies. Instead of focusing on one thing I wanna do all the things at once and then I look at other people’s work and get jealous because they are better than me in art. I’m not particularly jealous of them being good… it’s the fact that I can’t do what they can and there’s where the whole problem lies really. Same goes for me in learning instruments. I could beat myself up every day for not learning an instrument properly when I was a kid or a teenager. I had keyboard lessons for roughly a year when I was about 15 and that’s that. I love piano music. It’s my favourite instrument and I would kill to play properly. I’d also love to play the guitar. I own a keyboard, a accoustic guitar, an ukulele and a bass guitar but I can’t play any of those and I try to teach myself with youtube videos and stuff but there is where I get impatient again. Now I know you would just go and say, stop being jealous over everything and everyone and stop comparing yourself to everyone and love what you have and appreciate the way you are and what you have in life and do the things you love. I know that. I really do. But it’s really hard not to compare myself for some reason which results in the fact that I can’t be truly happy in what I do. I love art. I wanna do this for the rest of my life. I wanna make this into a job that pays money. I wanna learn and improve in different tools and techniques but the whole jealousy part puts to much pressure on me in focusing about what I want and I told myself that this year I try to appreciate more what I have and be less jealous of people and stop comparing myself. It’s really really hard because now I can say that but in two days I could be depressed about this again and all crumbles down on me again. It’s really horrible and I wish I could change it. I wish I could just forget about all of this and focusing on what I love doing and be happy with what I have and enjoy life to the fullest but it’s a real struggle for me and most of the time I don’t know what to do.

Also what really bothers me, for no reason really, is that I turn 30 in a few weeks and all I can think about how a third of my life is already been over and I haven’t achieved anything I wanted and how much I wasted my 20s. I already feel like time is running out for me…

Author:

Hi, I'm Dani from Switzerland. I love to do art, watching movies/tv shows and read comics. I hope to some day be able to travel the world, which would make my blog a whole lot more interesting as it is right now.

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